Two years in, as confused as ever

[Brigit]

We are both married, work together, long distance… neither wants to leave our marriages but we also can’t seem to shake the bond. I’m here to try to sort my thoughts out. I feel terrible guilt and would really like to leave the EMR but am just not there yet. Thanks for being here.

[Mypetsprincess]

We are both married, work together, long distance… neither wants to leave our marriages but we also can’t seem to shake the bond. I’m here to try to sort my thoughts out. I feel terrible guilt and would really like to leave the EMR but am just not there yet. Thanks for being here.

The two are not mutually exclusive. My AP and I had a beutiful 15 years together. We had a previous history, going back to high schoo. It matters not. It was a very safe way for us to get together. Right place, right time. (TBC)

[Brigit]

The two are not mutually exclusive.  My AP and I had a beutiful 15 years together. We had a previous history, going back to high schoo. It matters not.  It was a very safe way for us to get together. Right place, right time. (TBC)

I am glad you had the 15 years together. Yes, life is complicated!

[Mypetsprincess]

I am glad you had the 15 years together. Yes, life is complicated!

True that!

[JustHer]

We are both married, work together, long distance… neither wants to leave our marriages but we also can’t seem to shake the bond. I’m here to try to sort my thoughts out. I feel terrible guilt and would really like to leave the EMR but am just not there yet. Thanks for being here.

Welcome,

My EMR started the same way our companies worked together so we interacted a lot, things happened, A LOT of things, he was married as was I.

We changed form a PA to an EA, then had a DD with another OW and stupid me stayed in contact, then we went NC which I stupidly broke  now we actually DO work together and I have very recently clicked over to indifference.

He got divorced and out R remined as confusing and frustrating as ever, very recently he showed me he is not what I thought he was.  

Messy is the right word.

My advice from  my own opinion - if you want to leave - leave and close all the doors behind you.   I wish I had.

[Brigit]

Welcome,

My EMR started the same way our companies worked together so we interacted a lot, things happened, A LOT of things, he was married as was I.

We changed form a PA to an EA, then had a DD with another OW and stupid me stayed in contact, then we went NC which I stupidly broke  now we actually DO work together and I have very recently clicked over to indifference.

He got divorced and out R remined as confusing and frustrating as ever, very recently he showed me he is not what I thought he was.  

Messy is the right word.

My advice from  my own opinion - if you want to leave - leave and close all the doors behind you.   I wish I had.

Wow, sounds like quite the ride. I’m sorry it sounds like he has not lived up to who you thought he was. I look forward to reading more. Thanks for the advice.

I am more ready to leave now than I was at the beginning and I hope I can continue to strengthen that resolve. Haven’t thought about totally shutting him out though. I think I could be just a friend. But it would mean that I woild realize completely that we are incompatible in the real world. In an EMR, at least ours, we put our best feet forward and it’s an escape. As I get to know him, I see sides I don’t like—a focus on his own well being v mine, for example. He does also share concern for me but it’s way less than my BH or than I do for him. 

I hadn’t thought about keeping things going indefinitely, I find it stressful to be hiding and thinking of how BH would be hurt.

So those two things do make shutting the door appealing, if I’m honest.

[Torn0577]

We are both married, work together, long distance… neither wants to leave our marriages but we also can’t seem to shake the bond. I’m here to try to sort my thoughts out. I feel terrible guilt and would really like to leave the EMR but am just not there yet. Thanks for being here.

Hi Brigit,

The guilty feeling is an unfortunate byproduct of being an EMR. We care about our spouses. We want to be open and honest about our unhappiness , and yet we find ourselves seeking relationships outside to fulfill a need that we consciously or unconsciously find is not being met in the marriage. Is the bond with your AP strong because of sex? Emotional bond?
EMRs are difficult relationships, and I sympathize with your struggle.

[Brigit]

Hi Brigit,

The guilty feeling is an unfortunate byproduct of being an EMR.  We care about our spouses. We want to be open and honest about our unhappiness , and yet we find ourselves seeking relationships outside to fulfill a need that we consciously or unconsciously find is not being met in the marriage. Is the bond with your AP strong because of sex? Emotional bond?
EMRs are difficult relationships, and I sympathize with your struggle.

Thank you for chiming in, Torn. Your username is quite apt.

Yes, exactly. The bond is a mix of the two. We knew each other fairly well before we crossed the line. 

We have discussed it and I know he feels guilty as well. I think he thought it would be just a hookup yet here we are. I knew going in that it would mean much more to me. I am not sure how much time he has spent analyzing his own emotions, but I have no doubt they are there.

[Fergiemac]

Hi Brigit,

The guilty feeling is an unfortunate byproduct of being an EMR.  We care about our spouses. We want to be open and honest about our unhappiness , and yet we find ourselves seeking relationships outside to fulfill a need that we consciously or unconsciously find is not being met in the marriage. Is the bond with your AP strong because of sex? Emotional bond?
EMRs are difficult relationships, and I sympathize with your struggle.

Hi Torn.
I am wondering why people give up on discussing their needs with the spouse?  Is it lack of intimacy? What?  Some have been together all their lives and have had their needs rejected. My xMM said what he liked was considered dirty  by his spouse.  He wanted her to touch him. Maybe that's why he give up.  

It's hard to judge.

Ourania aka Fergiemac.

[Brigit]

Hi Torn.
I am wondering why people give up on discussing their needs with the spouse?  Is it lack of intimacy? What?  Some have been together all their lives and have had their needs rejected. My xMM said what he liked was considered dirty  by his spouse.  He wanted her to touch him. Maybe that's why he give up.  

It's hard to judge.

Ourania aka Fergiemac.

For me, it’s not really about things I can ask about. My husband is a very calm, very stable person. I am a lot more outgoing and excitable for lack of a better word. I am also very fast moving and productive, he is slow and deliberate. I’m passionate about food, music, art, and yes, sex. He also appreciates all these things but it’s kind of subdued compared to me. I can’t ask him to change his entire personality. I have asked about some specific things and he is just not into them (across all the categories I mentioned). He is still a good man.

My MOM is much more “my speed” and I really wasn’t looking to start anything when we did. We had been work acquaintances and I knew I was attracted to him from the moment we met but never thought I’d cross a line…until we did.

[Fergiemac]

For me, it’s not really about things I can ask about. My husband is a very calm, very stable person. I am a lot more outgoing and excitable for lack of a better word. I am also very fast moving and productive, he is slow and deliberate. I’m passionate about food, music, art, and yes, sex. He also appreciates all these things but it’s kind of subdued compared to me. I can’t ask him to change his entire personality. I have asked about some specific things and he is just not into them (across all the categories I mentioned). He is still a good man.

My MOM is much more “my speed” and I really wasn’t looking to start anything when we did. We had been work acquaintances and I knew I was attracted to him from the moment we met but never thought I’d cross a line…until we did.

Makes sense Brigit.  They are who they are I guess.
Ourania.

[Brigit]

Makes sense Brigit.  They are who they are I guess.
Ourania.

Yes, exactly…

[Brigit]

We spoke for 45 minutes the other day and today he texted me some link… we almost never communicate on the weekends so it was a surprise. I don’t think there is some grand meaning there, just that this bond feels strong right now, and like we understand each other well even without being in constant touch, and even while seeing each other only every 3-4 months. 

I am struggling not only with guilt but also visualizing the future. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, let alone blow up our families. I am not even sure if we would work well married. But continuing on like this is also hard to imagine without someone eventually slipping (probably him if we are honest). His take is that he doesn’t want to overthink it, that he is grateful for what we do have, and let things unfold as they may. That’s fine, and I am very grateful too but the possibilities seem kinda grim. 

A total aside, we realized this year that we got married on the exact same day.  Is there a “glitch in the matrix” emoji?